tonypa

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, navy.......... many more.......... tony

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TYLER and many many more. Tony

:whole waving: HAPPY NEW YEAR, EVERYONE .............................

:the wave: HOPE YOU HAD A GREAT DAY, TYLER tony

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility. . Q: 'Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?' A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.' Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description? ' A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.' Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?' A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.' Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?' A: 'Yes sir, we do!' Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?' A: 'Yes sir, I do.' Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?' A: 'Yes sir.' Q: 'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?' A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.' The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line -- and we think he'll win.

APHORISM: A SHORT, POINTED SENTENCE EXPRESSING A WISE OR CLEVER OBSERVATION OR A GENERAL TRUTH; ADAGE 1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow. 2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail. 3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all. 4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs. 5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water. 6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night? 7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without. 8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks? 9. Scratch a cat and you will have a permanent job. 10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car. 11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity. 12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. - Like this: It could be a right number. 13. No one ever says 'It's only a game.' when their team is winning. 14. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap. 15. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it. 16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket. 17. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos? (And rap music will be the Golden Oldies!) 18. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo. 19. After 60, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead! Always be yourself. Because the people that matter, don't mind. And the one's that mind, don't matter. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about forty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses. All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, 'While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.' This coming week is National Mental Health Care Week. You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care. Well....my job is done. Your turn!

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses). To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There are teachers .. and then there are educators...

hope your feeling better, sunshine, give the pills a chance....

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of theChurch's' morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny... He said nothing. Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house... Walked home. And left it there all Night!!! You gotta love Frank! God Bless him.

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.' The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?' 'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles. 'OK,' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?' The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.' To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?

so did i....... A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.' The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?' 'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles. 'OK,' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?' The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.' To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?

:( Ottawaian's mother, passed away early this morning...........

Amazing Points to Ponders 1.If all the nations in the world are in debt(am not joking. even US has got debts), where did all the money go? (weird) 2.When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? (to be given a thought) 3.What is the speed of darkness? (absurd) 4.If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff? (very good thinking) 5.Who copyrighted the copyright symbol? (who knows) 6.Can you cry under water? (let me try) 7.Why do people say, "you've been working like a dog" when dogs just sit around all day? (i think they meant something else) 8.Why are the numbers on a calculator and a phone reversed? (God knows) 9.Do fish ever get thirsty? (let me ask and tell) 10.Can you get cornered in a round room? (by ones eyes) 12.Why do birds not fall out of trees when they sleep? (tonight i will stay and watch) 13.What came first, the fruit or the color orange? (seed) 14.If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from? (No comments) 15.What should one call a male ladybird? (No comments) 16.If a person suffered from amnesia and then was cured would they remember that they forgot? (can somebody help ) 17.Can you blow a balloon up under water? (yes u can) 18.Why is it called a "building" when it is already built? (strange isn't it) 19.If you were traveling at the speed of sound and you turned on your radio would you be ! able to hear it? (got to think scientifically) 20.If you're traveling at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens? 21.Why is it called a TV set when theres only one? (very nice) 22.If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth? (this is nice) 23.Why do most cars have speedometers that go up to at least 130 when you legally can't go that fast on any road? (stupid, break the law) 24. If drink & drive is not allowed why the hell they have parking in Bars

prolly no more then the war monger does........

The husband had just finished reading a new book, 'YOU Can BE The MAN Of YOUR HOUSE'. He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on, YOU need to know that I AM the MAN of this house, and my word is law! You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will have the sex that I want. After that, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet and hands. Then after that's done, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?" The wife replied, "The f ... ing funeral director would be my guess."

The difference between men talking and women talking.. TWO WOMEN TALKING : ============ ========= ========= ==== Woman 1: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute! Woman 2: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I Mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking? Woman 1: No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think. Woman 2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck. Woman 1: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to Take attention away from these football player shoulders of mine. Woman 2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms, see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier. ... ... ... .... .... ... ... ... ... NOW TWO MEN TALKING ============ ========= ========= ======== Man 1: Haircut? Man 2: Yeah.

> THE WEDDING NIGHT > Fred and Mary get married but couldn't afford a honeymoon, > so they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first night > together. > In the morning, > Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.. > As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred > and Mary are up yet. > She replies, 'No'. > Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?' > His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! > Just go to school.' > Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, > 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?' > She replies, 'No.' > Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?' > His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! > Eat your lunch and go back to school ' > After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, > 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?' > His mom says, 'No.' > He asks, 'Do you know what I think?' > His mom replies, 'Ok, now tell me what you think?' > He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think... > I gave him my airplane glue.

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman, sort of bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy Crap, That must be my husband!' So the guy quickly jumped out of the bed, scared and naked he jumped out the window like a crazy man. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and then started to run as fast as he could to his car. A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband.!' The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?' And that folks... is how the fight started. __._,_.___

I am in complete accord with you Max, there was no insult, only the truth.... tony

son, you don't even know what outta shape is yet....give it a few more years..........

:thumbs up: kudo's roamer, :thumbs up: :thumbs up:

"A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, 'How much?' "The hooker replies, 'It starts at $500 for a hand-job.' "The guy says, '$500 dollars! For a hand-job! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!' "The hooker says, 'Do you see that Denny's on the corner?' "'Yes.' "'Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?' "'Yes.' "'And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?' "'Yes.' "'Well,' says the hooker, smiling invitingly, 'I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500.' "The guy says, 'What the hell? I'll give it a try.' "They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. "He is so amazed, he says, 'I suppose a blow-job is $1000?' "The hooker replies, '$1,500.' "'$1,500? No blow-job could be worth that.' "The hooker replies, 'Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500.' "The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job says, 'Sign me up.' "Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can't believe it, but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into his retirement saving for one glorious and unforgettable experience. "He asks the hooker, 'How much for some pussy?' "The hooker says, 'Come over here to the window. Do you see how this whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?' "'Damn!' the guy says, in awe, 'You own the whole city?' "'No,' the hooker replies, 'but I would if I had a pussy.'"

Well, it seems that a bunch of med students much like yourself were attending their first lab in pathology class. Each pair of them had a cadaver on the table in front of him. "The professor said, 'I want you to pay close attention, because noticing details and having a strong stomach separate the good students in pathology from the mediocre ones. Now, I want each of you to do what I do.' "The professor took the middle finger of his right hand, plunged it into the nearest cadaver's rectum, and then quickly brought his hand to his mouth and licked it. The students were stunned, but after a long minute, they did as they had been told. "'I see you do have strong stomachs, but your powers of observation need work. You should have noticed that the finger I actually licked was my index finger.'"