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:typing: SMART ASS ANSWER #6

 

It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline.

 

"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in

 

front.

 

"What are my choices?" John asked.

 

"Yes or no," she replied.

 

SMART ASS ANSWER #5

 

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check

 

tickets.

 

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he

 

opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she

 

said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

 

SMART ASS ANSWER #4

 

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store

 

but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

 

She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

 

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

 

SMART ASS ANSWER #3

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding

 

rolled down his window.

 

"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.

 

The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."

 

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way

 

without a ticket.

 

SMART ASS ANSWER #2

 

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that

 

reads, " Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right

 

ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.

 

Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop

 

gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on

 

his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I

 

was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

 

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006

 

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now

 

class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.

 

I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury,

 

illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other

 

excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised

 

his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was

 

suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire

 

class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her

 

head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam

 

with your other hand

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:typing:

A group of alumni, highly established in their careers, got together to visit their old university professor. Conversation soon turned into complaints about stress in work and life. Offering his guests coffee, the professor went to the kitchen and returned with a large pot of coffee and an assortment of cups - porcelain, plastic, glass, crystal, some plain looking, some expensive, some exquisite - telling them to help themselves to the coffee.

 

When all the students had a cup of coffee in hand, the professor said: "If you noticed, all the nice looking expensive cups were taken up, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones. While it is but normal for you to want only the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and stress. Be assured that the cup itself, adds no quality to the coffee in most cases, just more expensive and in some cases even hides what we drink.

 

What all of you really wanted was coffee, not the cup, but you consciously went for the best cups... and then began eyeing each other's cups. Now consider this: Life is the coffee, and the jobs, money and position in society are the cups. They are just tools to hold and contain Life, and the type of cup we have does not define, nor change the quality of Life we live.

 

Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee God has provided us."

God brews the coffee, not the cups........ .. enjoy your coffee

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:typing:

 

 

 

Following is the winning entry from an annual contest calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term.

 

This year's term: Political Correctness.

 

"Political Correctness is a doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical, liberal minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."

___Tony.gif

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:typing:

Faithful Friends

 

Brownie and Spotty were neighbor dogs who met every day to play together. Like pairs of dogs you can find in most any neighborhood, these two loved each other and played together so often that they had worn a path through the grass of the field between their respective houses. One evening, Brownie's family noticed that Brownie hadn't returned home. They went looking for him with no success. Brownie didn't show up the next day, and despite their efforts to find him, by the next week, he was still missing.

 

Curiously, Spotty showed up at Brownie's house alone, barking, whining, and generally pestering Brownie's human family. Busy with their own lives, they just ignored the nervous little neighbor dog. Finally, one morning Spotty refused to take "no" for an answer. Ted, Brownie's owner, was steadily harassed by the furious, adamant little dog. Spotty followed Ted about, barking insistently, then darting back and forth to a nearby empty lot, as if to say, "Follow me! It's urgent!" Eventually, Ted followed the frantic Spotty across the empty lot, as Spotty paused to race back and bark encouragingly. The little dog led the man under a fence, past clumps of trees, to a desolate spot a half mile from the house.

 

There, Ted found his beloved Brownie alive with one of his hind legs crushed in a steel leg-hold trap. Horrified, Ted wished he'd taken Spotty's earlier appeals seriously.

 

Then Ted noticed something quite remarkable. Spotty had done more than simply lead Brownie's human to his trapped friend. In a circle around the injured dog, Ted found an array of dog food and table scraps, which were identified as the remains of every meal Spotty had been fed that week!

 

Spotty had been visiting Brownie regularly, in a single minded quest to keep his friend alive by sacrificing his own comfort! Spotty had stayed with Brownie to protect him from predators, snuggling with him at night to keep him warm and nuzzling him to keep his spirits up. Brownie's leg was treated by a veterinarian and he recovered. For many years thereafter, the two families watched the faithful friends frolicking and chasing each other down that well-worn path between their houses.

 

--Unknown

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:typing:

 

 

It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are 1st graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic! The kids are supposed to finish the sayings and these more than common phrases..... .

 

1. Don't change horses ............ ............ ......... ......... ......... .........

.until they stop running.

 

2. Strike while the ............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... .........

..bug is close.

 

3. It's always darkest before ............ ... ............ ......... ......... .........

.Daylight Saving Time.

 

4. Never underestimate the power of ............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... .....

.termites.

 

5. You can lead a horse to water but ............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... .

.how?

 

6. Don't bite the hand that ............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ...

looks dirty.

 

7. No news is.......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... .....

impossible.

 

8. A miss is as good as a ............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ...

.Mr.

 

9. You can't teach an old dog new ............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......

math.

 

10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll ............ ......... ......... ......... .........

.stink in the morning.

 

11. Love all, trust ............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... me.

 

12. The pen is mightier than the ............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......pigs.

 

13. An idle mind is.......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... .

.the best way to relax.

 

14. Where there's smoke there's ............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......

pollution.

 

15. Happy the bride who......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ....

gets all the presents.

 

16. A penny saved i s ............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ....

.not much.

 

17. Two's company, three's ............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ...

.the Musketeers

 

18. Don't put off till tomorrow what ............ ......... ......... ......... .....

.you put on to go to bed.

 

19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and......

You have to blow your nose.

 

20. There are none so blind as.......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ....

Stevie Wonder.

 

21. Children should be seen and not ..... ............ ......... ......... ........ ..

.spanked or grounded.

 

22. If at first you don't succeed ............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ....

get new batteries.

 

23. You get out of something only what you ............ ......... ..

see in the picture on the box.

 

24. When the blind lead the blind ............ ......... ......... ......... ......... .........

get out of the way.

 

 

And the WINNER and last one!

 

25. Better late than........ ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... .........

...... pregnant

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:typing: The other day a young person asked me how I felt about being older. I was taken aback, for I do not think of myself as old. Upon seeing my reaction, he was immediately embarrassed, but I explained that it was an interesting question, and I would ponder it,

 

and let him know.

 

Growing Older, I decided, is a gift.

 

I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have always wanted to be. Oh, not my body! I sometime despair over my body ... the wrinkles, the baggy eyes, and the cellulite. And often I am taken aback by that older person that lives in my mirror, but I don't agonize over those things for long.

 

*I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become more kind to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend. I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avant garde on my patio. I am entitled to be messy, to be extravagant, to smell the flowers. I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon;

 

before they understood the great freedom

 

that comes with aging.

 

Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 a.m and then sleep until -- ?

 

I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes

 

of the 60's & 70's, and if I, at the same time,

 

wish to weep over a lost love I will.

 

I will walk the beach in a swim suit

 

that is stretched over a bulging body,

 

and will dive into the waves with abandon

 

if I choose to,

 

despite the pitying glances from the bikini set.

 

They, too, will get old.

(if they're lucky)

 

I know I am sometimes forgetful. But then again, some of life is just as well forgotten and I eventually remember the important things.

 

 

Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when a beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.

 

I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turn gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into grooves on my face So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver. I can say "no," and mean it.

 

I can say "yes." and mean it

 

As you get older, it is easier to be positive.

 

You care less about what other people think.

 

I don't question myself anymore.

 

I've even earned the right to be wrong.

 

So, to answer your question, I like being older. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day... (if I want)

 

Today, I wish you a day of ordinary miracles.

 

 

Love simply.

 

 

Love generously.

 

 

Care deeply.

 

 

Speak kindly.

 

 

Leave the rest to God!!!!!!!!! !

 

 

LIVE WELL - LAUGH OFTEN - LOVE MUCH.

 

May God Bless You

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:typing:

72 Great Things About Being Gay

>

> 1. You understand the immense importance of good lighting.

>

>

> 2. You can be at a crowded disco the size of two

> football fields and still spot a toupee.

>

> 3. You can tell a woman you love her bathing suit, and

> mean her bathing suit.

>

>

> 4. Your women friends will tell you everything you

> want to know about their boyfriends.

> And that means everything.

>

>

> 5. You're the only type of male who gets to say

> "fabulous,"

>

> 6. You can have naked pictures of men you don't know

> in your home.

>

> 7. You can have naked men you don't know in your home.

>

>

> 8. You know how to handle the telephone like a

> Stradivarius.

>

>

> 9. You understand why the good Lord invented spandex.

>

>

> 10. You understand why the good Lord didn't intend

> everyone to wear it.

>

>

> 11. You know how to get back at just about everyone.

>

>

> 12. You only wear polyester when you mean to.

>

> 13. You can smile to let someone know you can't stand

> them.

>

> 14. You're good pals with women other people can't

> stand.

 

> 15. You've always got an opinion.

>

> 16. You've read the book, seen the movie, done the

> musical.

>

>

> 17. You know how to dress strategically.

>

>

> 18. You're the only one at your high school reunion

> who looks a lot

> better than you did in high school.

>

>

> 19. You've got at least one framed picture of a pet.

>

>

> 20. If your mattress could talk, it would be Joan

> Rivers.

>

>

> 21. You know that being called a "cheap slut" isn't

> actually an insult.

>

> 22. There's a married guy somewhere who is terrified

> of you.

>

> 23. Nobody tells you what to do in bed...unless you

> tell them what to ell you.

>

>

> 24. You have a medicine chest stocked for any

> occasion.

>

>

> 25. You have at least one movie musical on video.

>

>

> 26. You're embarrassed by people who sing in piano

> bars.

>

>

> 27. You're not embarrassed to sing in a piano bar.

>

>

> 28. You never hold a grudge for longer than a decade

> or two.

 

>

> 29. You know how to make an entrance.

>

>

> 30. You know when to make an exit.

>

>

> 31. You worry about people you don't even know -- like

> Liza Minnelli.

>

>

> 32. You choose the most fabulous greeting cards.

>

>

> 33. You know how to program your VCR.

>

> 34. You've got sunscreen at every conceivable SPF

> level.

>

> 35. You have a cologne display worthy of

> Bloomingdale' s.

>

> 36. Some of your best friends are your ex lovers.

>

> 37. You know when to play dumb.

>

> 38. You know what to do for a hangover.

>

>

> 39. Yes, you do have a condom.

>

>

> 40. You've called someone "girlfriend" who is neither

> a girl nor a friend.

>

> 41. You made Donna Summer a star.

>

> 42. You made Donna Summer a has-been.

>

> 43. Tanning salons were invented for you.

>

>

> 44. You've made sunbathing a performance art.

>

>

> 45. You know when the party's over.

>

> 46. You know where to go after the party's over.

>

> 47. You're fearless about fighting the elements,

> especially gravity.

>

> 48. You know that pigs and bears are not necessarily

> rural wildlife.

>

>

> 49. You know that referring to someone as "a real

> lady" isn't necessarily a compliment.

>

>

> 50. Your favorite dinner accessory is your dinner

> companion.

>

>

> 51. You know that the most important part of a party's

> decor is the catering staff.

>

>

> 52. You'll never have to hear your mother complain

> about your wife.

>

>

> 53. A two seater convertible seems perfectly practical

> to you.

>

>

> 54. You have a favorite Disney character and it's

> usually a nasty one.

>

>

> 55. All your friends do not have to "get along".

>

>

> 56. You have a large collection of anniversary

> pictures. They may be with different guys,

> however.

>

> 57. Your love handles are actually used as such.

>

>

> 58. When someone turns his back on you, you actually

> consider it an opportunity.

>

>

> 59. You've got a large assortment of movie star

> biographies.

>

> 60. You've got the most interesting coffee table

> books.

>

>

> 61. You know where to find a meat rack and it ain't in

> your kitchen drawer.

>

>

> 62. You have the only sexual persuasion with its own

> flag.

>

>

> 63. You know your enemies.

>

>

> 64. After a workout at the gym, you feel like a new

> man. And he's right there in the shower.

>

>

> 65. You know that "small talk" can be about

> spirituality or politics, and"important issues"

> can be about Hair.

>

>

> 66. You've actually lived out some of your fantasies.

>

>

> 67. Unlike most straight women, you have no problem

> being treated solely as a sex object.

>

>

> 68. You are ALWAYS ready for your close-up.

>

>

> 69. You have 412 ways to tell someone to get lost. 136

> are nonverbal.

>

>

> 70. You can lip-sync to at least one Supremes song.

>

>

> 71. You can explain the subtle nuances between steady

> date, boyfriend and lover.

>

>

> 72. You really have "been there, done that,"

tn.jpg

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:typing: A Nun asked her class to write notes to God.

 

Here are some they handed in:

 

**********

 

Dear God :

 

I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset You made on Tuesday. That was cool.

 

**********

 

Dear God:

 

Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You keep the ones You already have?

 

**********

 

Dear God :

 

Maybe Cain and Abel would not have killed each other if they had their own rooms. That's what my Mom did for me and my brother.

 

**********

 

Dear God:

 

If You watch me in church on Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes.

 

**********

 

Dear God :

 

I bet it is very hard to love everyone in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I'm having a hard time loving all of them.

 

**********

 

Dear God:

 

In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation?

 

**********

 

Dear God :

 

Are You really invisible or is it just a trick?

 

**********

 

Dear God:

 

Is it true my father won't get into heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house?

 

**********

 

Dear God:

 

Did You mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?

 

**********

 

Dear God:

 

Who draws the lines around the countries?

 

**********

 

Dear God :

 

I went to this wedding and they kissed right in the church. Is that OK?

 

**********

 

Dear God:

 

Did You really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because if You did, then I'm going to get my brother good.

 

**********

 

Dear God:

 

Thank You for the baby brother, but I think you got confused because what I prayed for was a puppy.

 

**********

 

Dear God:

 

Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up.

 

**********

 

Dear God:

 

I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big, but not with so much hair all over.

 

**********

 

Dear God:

 

You don't have to worry about me; I always look both ways.

 

**********

 

Dear God :

 

I think about You sometimes, even when I'm not praying.

 

**********

 

Dear God:

 

Of all the people who worked for You, I like Noah and David the best.

 

**********

 

Dear God :

 

My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right. They're just kidding, aren't they?

 

**********

 

Dear God:

 

I would like to live 900 years just like the guy in the Bible.

 

**********

 

Dear God :

 

We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school they said You did it. So, I bet he stole Your idea.

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:typing: i though this was a wonderful story

 

The first day of school our professor introduced himself and challenged us to get to know someone we didn't already know. I stood up to look around when a gentle hand touched my shoulder.

 

I turned around to find a wrinkled, little old lady beaming up at me with a smile that lit up her entire being. She said, "Hi handsome. My name is Rose. I'm eighty-seven years old. Can I give you a hug?" I laughed and enthusiastically responded, "Of course you may!" and she gave me a giant squeeze.

 

"Why are you in college at such a young, innocent age?" I asked. She jokingly replied, "I'm here to meet a rich husband, get married, and have a couple of kids..." "No seriously," I asked. I was curious what may have motivated her to be taking on this challenge at her age. "I always dreamed of having a college education and now I'm getting one!" she told me.

 

After class we walked to the student union building and shared a chocolate milkshake. We became instant friends. Every day for the next three months we would leave class together and talk nonstop. I was always mesmerized listening to this "time machine" as she shared her wisdom and experience with me. Over the course of the year, Rose became a campus icon and she easily made friends wherever she went. She loved to dress up and she reveled in the attention bestowed upon her from the other students. She was living it up.

 

At the end of the semester we invited Rose to speak at our football banquet. I'll never forget what she taught us. She was introduced and stepped up to the podium. As she began to deliver her prepared speech, she dropped her three by five cards on the floor. Frustrated and a little embarrassed she leaned into the microphone and simply said, "I'm sorry I'm so jittery. I gave up beer for Lent and this whiskey is killing me! I'll never get my speech back in order so let me just tell you what I know."

 

As we laughed she cleared her throat and began, "We do not stop playing because we are old; we grow old because we stop playing. There are only four secrets to staying young, being happy, and achieving success. You have to laugh and find humor every day. You've got to have a dream. When you lose your dreams, you die. We have so many people walking around who are dead and don't even know it!

 

There is a huge difference between growing older and growing up. If you are nineteen years old and lie in bed for one full year and don't do one productive thing, you will turn twenty years old. If I am eighty-seven years old and stay in bed for a year and never do anything I will turn eighty-eight.

 

Anybody can grow older. That doesn't take any talent or ability. The idea is to grow up by always finding opportunity in change. Have no regrets. The elderly usually don't have regrets for what we did, but rather for things we did not do. The only people who fear death are those with regrets."

 

She concluded her speech by courageously singing "The Rose." She challenged each of us to study the lyrics and live them out in

our daily lives. At the year's end Rose finished the college degree she had begun all those years ago.

 

One week after graduation Rose died peacefully in her sleep. Over two thousand college students attended her funeral in tribute to the wonderful woman who taught by example that it's never too late to be all you can possibly be.

 

When you finish reading this, please send this peaceful word of advice to your friends and family, they'll really enjoy it!

 

These words have been passed along in loving memory of ROSE.

 

REMEMBER, GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY. GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL.

 

We make a Living by what we get, We make a Life by what we give. God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage. If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.

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